Understanding Abusive Behaviour In Relationships
Understanding the types of abusive behaviour in romantic relationships is crucial in attempting to address and prevent its occurrence in our communities. Abusive behaviour in romantic relationships is a pervasive issue that affects individuals across various lifestyles, and does not discriminate on age, gender, ethnicity, or socio-economic background. Abusive behaviours are seen in a range of actions and behaviours that exert power and control over another person, resulting in psychological, emotional and sometimes physical harm.
Types of Abusive Behavior
Abusive behaviour can be seen in several forms, including emotional, psychological, sexual, financial abuse and coercive control.
Emotional and Psychological Abuse: This can involve intimidation, manipulation, threats, all aimed to undermine a partner’s self-worth and mental health. It can include criticism, insults, gaslighting (making their partner doubt their own reality), isolation from their friends and family, and controlling behaviour such as what they can and can’t wear.
Financial Abuse: This can occur if a partner’s access to financial resources is restricted, overly monitored or completely controlled. This results in the partner being financially dependent on the abuser and limits their ability to be independent, have autonomy, make financial decisions, access resources and supplies and ultimately be able to leave the relationship. Often this can be also done by restricting access to bank accounts or preventing the partner from working.
Physical Abuse: This can include any unwanted physical force or contact from hitting, slapping, punching, shoving, pinching, choking, or using weapons. Physical assaults often escalate over time with the partner increasing severity and frequency of violence.
Sexual Abuse: Sexual abuse in relationships involves any non-consensual sexual act or behaviour. This can include marital or relationship rape, coerced sexual acts, and any form of sexual exploitation. Full consent is still required despite your marriage status or length of relationship.
Coercive Control: Sometimes abusive tactics in a relationship are subtle and difficult to identify, but insults, manipulation, and intimidation can all be part of what’s known as coercive control. “Coercive” is a term that implies the use of threats or force. In a relationship setting, coercive control can refer to ‘any pattern of oppressive, dominating behaviour that uses harm to steer your thoughts, feelings, and actions. While coercive control is often seen through forms of emotional abuse in intimate partner settings, it can also involve the use of physical force’. From 1 July 2024, coercive control is a criminal offence in NSW when a person uses abusive behaviours towards a current or former intimate partner with the intention to coerce or control them. The criminal offence captures repeated patterns of physical or non- physical abuse used to hurt, scare, intimidate, threaten or control someone.
To find out more about the NSW Government new law, strategies and services dealing with coercive control please click here: Criminalising coercive control in NSW |Communities and Justice
The Cycle of Abuse
Abusive relationships often follow a cyclical pattern, commonly referred to as the “cycle of abuse”; This cycle consists of four stages: tension building, incident, reconciliation, and calm.
Tension Building: Stress and strain start to build. The abuser may become irritable, agitated, edgy, angry, or withdrawn, while the romantic partner may try to please or avoid the abuser to prevent an outburst.
Explosion: The tension erupts in an abusive incident, which may be physical, emotional or verbal abuse. The abuser releases their built-up tension through abusive actions.
Repair/Remorse: After the abuse incident, the abuser may apologise, offer excuses, or even try to blame their partner for ‘provoking the abuse’. They may also use humour, affection, promises to change, or buying gifts to win back the victim’s trust.
Calm: The abuser may act as if nothing happened, and the partner may hope that the abuse has finally ended. However, we know that this period of calm is most often temporary, because the fundamental problems remain unresolved, and the cycle will eventually activate again.
Barriers to Leaving
Leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult due to various factors:
Fear of retaliation
Fear of unknown
Love for partner
Hope for change
Financial dependency
Concern for children
Lack of support (often due to social isolation)
Low self-esteem (often due to psychological abuse/manipulation)
Social and cultural shame (often blame themselves for the abuse, or divorce not culturally supported).
Lack of good resources and services available
Abusive behaviour in relationships is a serious issue that requires awareness, understanding, and intervention. The barriers to leaving an abusive relationship are abundant and complex, often woven together in ways that make it extremely difficult for romantic partners to leave. It is essential for us to not minimise the complexity of the challenges that romantic partners face and to provide a supportive environment around them, which can empower them to leave abusive relationships safely and rebuild their lives when they are ready.
For more information:
Domestic and family violence | 1800RESPECT
Domestic, family and sexual violence | Communities and Justice (nsw.gov.au)
What is domestic and family violence? | Family Violence Law Help
What is domestic and family violence? (lifeline.org.au)
By Carlie Kowald