The Invisible Load: Sharing the Mental Work of a Relationship
“It’s not the doing of the chores that’s the hard part—it’s having to constantly remember what needs to be done.”
— Emma, the Mental Load Comic
WHAT IS THE MENTAL LOAD?
The mental load is one of three categories of invisible labour.
Cognitive Labour
Cognitive labour is thinking about all the practical elements of running a household. It includes the planning of balanced meals, list of ingredients needed vs already have, scheduling appointments within everyone’s relevant schedules, organising social catch ups equally for each person, planning a dish for family events taking into account individual tastes/dietary needs, gift buying for family/friends/kids/kids friends/ teacher gifts etc., planning for upcoming school/work events or household upkeep both big and small.
Emotional Labour
Emotional labor is assisting in regulating your partners/kids/families’ emotions. Comforting kids, calming down an angry partner, taking note of family members’ emotional states, nurturing ongoing emotional needs, researching emotional skills to help with someone’s mental health, and negotiating friendship disagreements are all examples of emotional labour.
The Mental Load
The mental load is the connection between the cognitive and emotional labour. It means anticipating forward and planning ahead what needs to be done to make the household run efficiently and peacefully for all invloved.
Why It Matters
When one partner is always the manager, while the other becomes the helper, it creates an uneven dynamic.
Over time, this imbalance can lead to resentment, disconnection and overwhelm:
“Why am I the only one who has to remember everything?”
“I can’t be expected to remember even one more little thing.”
“I don’t feel like we’re in this together, I feel so alone.”
Here’s how couples can tackle this challenge together—with empathy, respect, and intention.
Acknowledge The Invisible Work
When both partners feel seen and appreciated, their relationship is more likely to stay emotionally connected and collaborative.
If your partner usually remembers to schedule the car service or keeps track of everyone’s birthdays – just acknowledge it. Even if it’s their household “role” or it’s something they’ve just always done.
Likewise, you don’t need to have physically watched your partner sit down and organise the school term calendar or remember to order the groceries to be delivered on time, a simple “thank you” or “I didn’t realise you had already done that—thank you” can go a long way in building gratitude and appreciation.
Keep it simple: “I really appreciate that you took care of that. I hadn’t even thought about it yet.”
Make the Invisible Visible
Sit down together, write a list or grab one you’ve sourced from the internet about all the relevant physical household tasks and invisible labour tasks.
What tasks are being done?
What tasks aren’t being done effectively?
Who is thinking about them?
Who is responsible for following through?
You might be surprised by how much one person is carrying mentally, even if the physical tasks seem to be equally divided 50:50 between partners, the mental load might be biased to one partner in particular.
Shouldering the Responsibility
One of the biggest dangers to the mental load dilemma is when one partner “helps out” but ultimately may still need the other partner to advise, plan, or check their work.
Respectfully sharing the mental load means:
Taking responsibility for a task from its start to finish.
Remembering the task (without being reminded/prompted).
Being proactive rather than reactive.
Instead of: “Can you help me with the dishes tonight?”
Try: “Can we each take full responsibility for the dishes on alternating nights?”
The key to the detail here is not to just wash the dirty dishes but also notice the dishes sitting there and proactively completing the task. Owning the responsibility means remembering, planning, and doing, without prompts. This is what truly lightens the other partner’s mental load. This builds trust and stability into the foundations of the relationship.
Review With Curiosity
Revisit the mental load regularly and ask:
“How do you feel we are doing with balancing the mental load?”
“Are you feeling overwhelmed in a certain area?”
“Are any tasks feeling too much or heavy right now?”
“Could we swap tasks to manage please?”
“What can I take off your plate for you this week?”
Dividing the mental load is not a one-time solution, it’s ideally an ongoing conversation. By having open, curious, non-blaming and regular conversations it can assist in reducing resentment and overwhelm from building in your relationship.
Teamwork Makes The Dream Work
Sharing the mental load isn’t about the tallying of tasks, tit for tat or martyrdom. The overall aim might not even be to reach mental load equality of 50:50. It’s about the feeling of respect, empathy, and partnership. When both people in a relationship feel appreciated, valued and supported, both mentally and emotionally, it helps to create trust, balance, and a stronger connection.
Because at the end of the long day, it’s not about who brought the clothes in from the clothesline, it’s about knowing someone else was either thinking about it too, or appreciates you for remembering to do it.
By Carlie Kowald